


A Pox on Fridays

by haldolhs, Roturier



Category: Kuroshitsuji | Black Butler
Genre: Don't get too excited people, Don't take those warnings too seriously, It's an old old joke in a new party dress, Kind of thing you save to tell Undertaker, Nothing much really happens, Other
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-13
Updated: 2016-05-14
Packaged: 2018-06-08 03:33:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,269
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6837496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haldolhs/pseuds/haldolhs, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Roturier/pseuds/Roturier
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>First days of anything are hell. So what's your first day in Hell like? More of the same times ten, I suppose.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A/N almost forgot to give GarGoyl, another Kuro-fanfic writer and good friend, credit for inspiring the colosseum-style Chess Tuesdays. If you go read her Kuroshitsuji stories (on fanfiction.net, not sure if she's here or not) and you'll see why. (hint: it's the one set in Hell-though the other one's good too.)  
> Chapter one is for you, my little Transylvanian Granite-girl.

It was just another day in Hell: hot, dry and full of screaming, when a portal opened up and La Phantomhive and his now permanently-attached butler were spat out onto what passed for Times Square in the middle of Hell (or Infernum, as the locals call it.)

Ciel found himself trip-skid-tumbling down the side of a lumpy coal-studded slag heap wreathed in sulfurous fumes. After about 15 seconds of resistance, the pint-sized demon gave up and just let himself roll like a loose hubcap to the bottom-it wasn't as if he could die from such a fall at this point.

Finally he and a lot of little clinker imps he'd swept up on his way down, landed on the hot, cracked earth with a loud WHUMPH! The imps giggled and skipped off back to their cozy slag heap. Ciel remained prone, groaning. The other demons and nether creatures stared, but gave the newcomers a wide berth in case they turned out to be important or powerful.

Sebastian, of course, took no part of this ignominious entrance. He landed lightly beside his rumpled, slag-studded master and did his best not to laugh out loud. Ciel rose up on the third try, slapped his servant's hands away and immediately ordered his butler to hit himself in the bollocks with all his strength six times --revenge for all that giggling he'd been doing at his master's expense. Sebastian (still suppressing giggles) reluctantly complied and privately told himself it was worth every wallop to see his lord go arse over teacup and come up spitting demon dung. He then shook off the unpleasant sensation, shivered his way into his true form, struck a pose and addressed his little master with his patented fake smile (Rictus Horribilis, patent-pending,) affixed to his face.

 

"Well! Now that we have arrived, what would my Lord care to do on his first official day in Hell? Bit of sightseeing? Spot of torturing the sinners? Mmm, kicking dogs, pinching toddlers, teasing nuns?" the demon butler checked the pocket watch which had now become a permanent part of his true form, and said "it's about 4 o'clock topside, would you care to sit down to a nice cup of lava and some rock cakes to sharpen your fangs on?" The boy cringed, covered his mouth and decided tea time in Hell was definitely not his thing.

"What else is there to do down here? You know the sorts of things I like Sebastian."

"Well, Hell _can_ be a fun place, at least for us demons. There are actually quite a number of organised activities."

"Really." The boy said dryly.

"Yes, really. You have no idea how much trouble a whole world of bored demons can get up to. Best to keep them busy, is what the leaders have concluded after eons of experience."

The boy stood a moment picturing demons playing shuffleboard, croquet and cricket and then said "Mmnno, I doubt it would be anything I'd be interested in."

"Well now young master, not so fast. Let me see... what is today?"

"You know very well what day it is. It's Tuesday."

"Oh, good! In that case would my Lord perhaps fancy a game or two of chess?"

"They have chess tournaments down here?!"

"But of course. Chess is all about going to battle and destroying your opponents-where do you think the game _came_ from? Here however, we play a much more vigorous version, with live pieces in a colosseum."

"What? How?"

"You simply round up the proper number of sinners, rope them together and head over... there," the tall demon shaded his eyes and pointed off to his right. "That's the Colosseum, see? You just get in line, and when it's your turn, put your pieces on the board. Warn them they'll be vapourised if they make a move you don't order, and see how long you can last! Quite exciting really, what with the stand full of howling demons cheering and booing you, not to mention throwing things."

"Hmm..." the demonic earl tapped his chin thoughtfully. "Well perhaps later."

"Understood."

"What else is there?"

"Well, I know you used to enjoy an occasional flutter on the ponies,"

"They have horse races?"

"We have races."

"But not horses."

"Nothing you'd recognise as a horse, no."

At that moment a pair of demonic forms rode up side by side into the crossroads on a pair of moving mountains. The two demons were yelling at each other furiously. When they were dead centre where the two roads crossed, one stood up on his saddle and shouted something Ciel couldn't make out then spanked his beast with a thing that resembled a gigantic horsewhip. The thing promptly reared up and let go an earth-shattering roar. A blast of flames shot from its mouth, and when the smoke and noise dissipated both the other demon and about half his beast had disappeared. The remaining smoking husk slowly toppled over, sparking, sizzling and blocking the intersection in all directions.

"Sebastian." The earl pointed. "Is that one of the-"

"Yes, my lord. Well, one of them."

"So once again, nothing like its namesake on earth."

"No, I suppose not. But on the positive side, tomorrow _is_ Race Day. Most participants need at least a week to get over last Race Day ...if they get over it at all, that is."

"Yes, I can see that. And Thursdays?"

"Corporate Takeover Day."

"And is it-"

"Actually it's _exactly_ the same as it is on earth. You'll fit right in. You'd be amazed how many big businesses of earth are actually owned and run by demons."

"No I wouldn't,"Ciel muttered and crossed his arms."What about Fridays then?"

"Ah yes, about _Fridays._ My Lord," Sebastian stalled, tapping his chin, searching the skies and rubbing the back of his neck in an elegant parody of the old Phantomhive kitchen cook, "that is, my Lord, how do you feel about..."

"...about?"Ciel's eyes widened. He decided this conversation had more interest than he'd first realised; he'd never seen Sebastian _squirm_ before.

"I did not serve you long enough to ever really need to broach the subject of sexual relations, but I suppose it will come as no great shock to you that hard and fast rules on anything are scarce amongst our kind. So then, it will also come as no shock that in the matter of sex, anything goes down here. Demons are, by and large, very non-judgmental: anything you can imagine, anyone and any _thing_ you can tackle or bend to your will is considered fair game in Hell when it comes to sex."

The boy snorted prissily and made an ugly face. "Simply disgusting... I have no interest whatever in any of that sex nonsense."

Sebastian's mouth curled ever so slightly at the corners and suddenly there was a rather dangerous gleam in his eyes.

"Ah. Well then, my Lord, I'm afraid that you are going to really _hate_ Fridays."


	2. Chapter 2

* * *

_It was the earnest plea of certain readers that I expand the borders of Infernum- and in truth, I was fond of the place myself. One reader also offered the fertile idea of including Hellhounds, which suggestion gave birth to this scatological tale intimately linked with what occurred in Ch.2 of Carnivorous Butler. I strongly suggest you read that if you've yet to. It will help you enjoy what is coming up even more._

_As onyone can plainly see,_

_I'm a big Betty fan, me._

_Never had an "OTP"_

_But if pressed that's who it would be:_

_Butler, tiger, and writer (me)_

_A menage a' trois for history._

 

_This is also a love letter of sorts to a certain 'Hank Becks' (it's haldolhs, okay?) who has been a doughty and indispensable support to me in a number of my recent adventures. My dear Hank: may you one day be able to afford that 'doll of your dreams' your very own. Call me if you do. For the price of a very fine tux I should like to purchase a cut of the 'dividends' of ownership.  
_

_Lastly a heartfelt thank you to Toboso-sensai herself for never giving up on that phantom butler who persistently teased the outskirts of her imagination so many years, demanding his tale be told._

….

"Wh— Sebas— whatthel— sto-STOP it!" cried the half-portion demon as his eternal manservant tried for several different handholds only to be slapped away like a pesky mosquito on a hot summer's night. And as one might imagine, what with the former earl's appetite for sweets, if there was one thing Ciel Phantomhive was intimately knowledgeable of, it was smacking away hungry mosquitoes from his noble person.

But the butler would not be put off. In apparent desperation, Sebastian finally chose survival over propriety and grabbed his little master around the middle like a stroppy, uncooperative sack of flour and took off with him like— well, like the proverbial bat out of Hell, really.

…though why any bat should want _out_ of a place where he was revered as the national symbol is anybody's guess.

Be that as it may, Ciel couldn't help but notice as he was bobbling along on his butler's bony hip, there was a peculiar air of desperation about his Hell-of-a-butler's current hasty skedaddling.

Ciel wasn't entirely certain he'd ever actually _seen_ Sebastian 'skedaddle' before. Nor could he imagine a reason his all-powerful demon would ever need to. In Ciel's mind Sebastian was invincible. Bullet-proof. He'd never had to run like this before, not in all the time Ciel had known him.

But there was truly no other word for what Sebastian was doing right now, haring along as if all the hounds of Hell were hot on his heels— or at least on his scent. And who knew? Perhaps they were. And damn himself for a dwarf, but if Ciel didn't know better, he could swear his butler was _running scared,_ actually seriously _afraid_ of something-or perhaps, some _one_. He did keep casting rather harried looks over his shoulder as he ran.

Quite distracted he was, too: he certainly wasn't paying a blind bit of attention to any of Ciel's attempts to get him to improve the boy's awkward position, stop or put him down -never mind explaining himself.

"So _help_ me demon, if you do not—"

"Anything you'd like young master," the butler gasped as he ran- "anything at all, just as soon as we are well out of this particular neighbourhood!"

And so they pounded on at full demonic speed, hell-for-leather down a steep cobbled incline and through a massive black gate. Then they skidded, scrabbling for purchase and leaning hard round the bend of a vast shoulder of stone just as a crazed howling broke out behind them-far too close behind them for Ciel's comfort. An unnatural voice which reminded Ciel a lot of his demon's voice when they'd first met and before they'd sealed their contract- a strange, echo-ey voice crying out something furious and entirely foreign, about fifty times the strength Sebastian's voice had been and sounding royally hacked off.

Sebastian blanched, put his head down and ran even harder. Ciel felt he was in a blender which had just been bumped up from 'blend' to 'frappe'.'

A few miles down the road, the demon finally slowed, then stopped, setting the boy back on his own feet. He himself sat down on a low stone wall that edged the uneven roadway, panting for breath.

"What in _Hell_ was _that_ about?!" Ciel cried, "and since when do _you_ get winded?"

"Since I needed to get the Hell away from my _father_ , all right?" the butler panted out, clearly annoyed as well as tired.

"Your father!"

"Oh what. Did you think I'd hatched out of a bezoar?"

"Well yes, actually, or something equally bizarre, of course."

"Well. So sorry to _disappoint_." There was a brief pause filled with panting and the sound of an earl groaning as he examined his bruised middle.

"I thought that voice sounded familiar. Are you going to explain the need of treating me like baggage, ignoring orders and running off like a damn fool, or am I going to have to _beat_ it out of you?"

Sebastian resisted the severe temptation of pointing out that's exactly what Ciel was: baggage of the worst possible sort, the sort you cannot get shed of, and instead replied with a softly lethal tone and a murderous glare: "with respect, _Master_ , I'm a great deal more concerned about angering HIM than I am _you_ ,"

Which effectively shocked the boy into a sullen silence.

After a few more moments to collect himself, Sebastian began to explain.

"Perhaps you recall, my Lord, those halcyon days when Betty the tiger was living with us,"

"…yes, and that damned dog Pluto,"

"Hell hound, to be precise,"

"Don't be," Ciel snapped.

"At any rate, shortly after Betty's advent, Finny and I both noticed a very peculiar thing beginning to happen all around the mansion grounds…" and there Sebastian paused, tapping his chin with a heavy sigh.

"Well? Go on, damn it!"

"It is rather indelicate Master, I was endeavouring to think up a polite way to—"

"I don't. _Care_. Just. Get **_on with it_**."

"Fine, I shall not mince words. What Finny and I noticed were great gaping holes suddenly opening up all around the mansion grounds. "

" _Holes?!"_

Sebastian barked out a humourless laugh. "For a short time, I entertained the rather amusing idea that Pluto was so eager to escape Betty's 'attentions' that he must be trying to dig his way back home."

"And you found that funny, did you."

The butler cleared his throat and grinned a bit self-consciously.

"Would you have found it funny if the paw had been on the other… the other… damn it, you _know_ what I mean!"

"Point taken, sir. To discover exactly what _was_ happening I relieved Mae Rin of her household duties next day and set her upon the roof to watch what was really happening and had Finny serve as a sort of temporary dogsbody* to prevent the watch from suffering in case she should need a break or something such as water or a parasol for th—"

"GET ON WITH IT."

" My lord I wonder if you're aware of the fact there is no more noxious or corrosive excrement known to humankind than what issues out of the southern end of a northbound cat?"

"A wha… oh. Not in the _least_ surprised. I have yet to forget 'the curious incident of the farting cat in the night-time,'*^ when your favourite stray somehow got into the house and spent the entire night being flatulent and incontinent while hiding herself inside of _my_ _mattress_. In the morning I remeber asking you whether there was any chance a genuine Hellmouth had opened up underneath my bed overnight!"

"I do recall. I would, however, wager you did _not_ know that Hellhounds enjoy the exact same unfortunate reputation amongst us demons in the infernal regions."

"Pfft. Still not surprised."

"Yes. Well. Given there is no nastier excrement known to demon kind than that of a Hellhound, and given the fact there is no larger cat on the Material Plane than a tiger,* and thus no droppings quite so potent or corrosive, it's a wonder none of us thought seriously about keeping both. If we had, we might possibly have foreseen what could happen when those two species, who were never intended to meet, were brought together at Phantomhive manor and got into such a predictable and quite literal 'pissing contest'."

"You're joking,"the boy said, and closed his eyes, as his twisted in disgust and his face bloomed a strident shade of puce. "Thank heaven Lizzy never took it into her fluffy head to come visit the Phantomhive gardens without warning," he muttered,'might have solved any number of outstanding issues."

The butler resumed. "Mae-Rin soon confirmed that when not engaged in attempting to shred one another into bloody ribbons, the two animals were obsessively following one another around, marking over top of one another's droppings as scent markers. When a spot had received sufficient attention from them both, the spots began to smoke. Soon enough, a sulphurous plume could be seen rising over the places. Mae-Rin then sent Finny and Bard down to investigate."

"And I presume this would be when Bard turned up with all his hair and the entire back of his chef's coat and trousers burnt off?."

"Yes,my lord," he grinned. "She really should have known better. Bard 'investigated' by shooting one of his thrice damned flamethrowers down one of the holes, then turned to tell the other two not to worry, and quickly got exactly what he deserved for such idiocy."

"The fumes ignited?"

"The fumes _exploded_. The two beasts' unwitting cooperation combined to burn a hole clear through."

"Clear through? Clear through to—" the boy asked, then pointed at the ground and blanched in understanding.

"Regrettably, yes. Clear through to _here_. And since my father is lord of the first circle of Infernum, he took great exception to his ceiling being riddled with holes and his never-ending orgy being interrupted by an intermittent rain of highly flammable, toxic sh—"

At that moment,  Sebastian blanched and spun about. The eerie voice rang out again, full of froth and rage and accompanied by what seemed to be a pack of baying hounds. "Especially when he discovered where it was coming from and who was ultimately responsible for it." The baying was getting closer. "That'll be my Father Aeshma, bringing Cerberus and probably my two brothers as well. Trust me, young master, you do NOT want to meet them. We should be…"***

" 'Cerberus', you said."

"Yes, Cerberus."

 _The_ Cerberus…"

How many did you imagine there were?"

"Cerberus, with the…" Ciel waved his hands vaguely about his head.

"Yes, my lord. T _hat_ Cerberus. With three times the teeth and slobber as well."

"And your father's name was what now? A-esh-what? I feel I should've said 'bless you' though that really _would_ be ludicrous." Both demons had started looking distracted, moving from their resting spot and away from the nearing sound of the chase, glancing over their shoulders nervously as the pursuit drew nearer and nearer. They soon picked up their feet and started walking in earnest.

"You are probably more familiar with the human-given name Asmodeus. He is known amongst humans as the Prince of the second circle, the demon of Lust." the butler gave a twisted little smile. "Thing is, there really never was a 'first circle. 'Limbo,' along with indulgences and the Crusades were merely clever ideas the Church Fathers launched to raise funds. Worked wonderfully well too, until the Reformation came along. There are really only seven levels to Hell. They correspond with the seven Princes who reign over and govern them. My father's realm is on top and closest to the Human world... in a number of senses."

"Ye-eah, that's all very interesting, Sebastian, but don't you think we should…" Ciel began as things suddenly went quiet.

"Yes my lord we really should," said the nervous butler as he suddenly scooped up his master, intent on more high-speed skedaddling.

Down the road Sebastian mused, almost to himself. "I wonder what things are like in the reaper's realm about now," whereon his young master tried very hard to give him a good sound walloping.

**_A/N a few notes:  
_ **

*Dogsbody: A servant's servant.

*^ "The case of cat who farted in the night-time" is Ciel's snarky reference to Sherlock Holmes' story described as 'the curious incident of dog in the night-time' from the Sherlock Holmes short story "Silver Blaze." When Watson retorted "but the dog did _nothing_ in the night-time!" Holmes smirked a Sebastian-esque smirk before retorting " _that_ is the curious incident." It's pretty plain who 'Wordsmith' _really_ based Holmes on. Unlike the dog, however, Sebastian's cat seems to have striven, after tunneling into Ciel's mattress, to do everything felis cattus-ly possible in the night-time, leading to Ciel's deflowered mattress being the chief ingredient in that year's official Phantomhive Bonfire, a week later. As "Silver Blaze" was published in 1894, we gain a bit of insight as to how much time has passed since the Young Master and his demon butler have been knocking about together before coming down to Infernum. Was Sebastian avoiding someone? Kekekeke… There's also the implication Ciel knows very well Sebastian's reading those detective stories secretly and just as avidly as Ciel, and recognising himself in the main character and being much amused at the way a certain author viewed him.

**Contrary to popular impression, Betty was a Siberian, not a Bengali tiger. Top weight for a Bengal female is around 160kg/350lbs though most are a lot less. Siberians are longer and taller and also outweigh Bengals, being closer to 181kg/400lbs. Siberians are the largest naturally bred felines still alive on the planet. Ligers and tigons are bigger but they are sterile, man-made hybrids of tigers and lions and they become unhealthy and freakishly large. So large, one might be tempted to slap a saddle on one except riding such a beast would be no easier than herding cats. One wonders if, in those earliest times, the creature who was to become 'Sebastian' practiced his skedaddling skills by chasing down sabretooths, pinning them down and thoroughly wubbling them.

***His Father Asmodeus, Lord of Lust, (from the second circle, according to Dante,) was a cambion, a succubus' son (and it really showed in the familial inclinations!) with a human father. This means Sebastian's Grandmother would be a very interesting to demon to get to know! His elder brother is the demon from the manga 'Aijin Incubus,' and his younger is Kane, featured in that manga "Sex Therspist,"the club or bar where the lithe young barkeep takes on the appearance of the one you love but cannot have to work out your frustrations. If you're familiar with either you'll immediately spot the familial resemblances.

So Sebastian, with a prince of Hell for a father as well as both human and incubus blood in his ancestry is a really interesting hybrid possessed of all the freakish strength typical of hybrids and with so much potential in so many different directions— it really 'splains SO much!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we have my esteemed colleague haldolh's unmistakeable touch, as we further explore the deplorable environs and even more deplorable 'inmates' of Infernum, as well as meet the quite astonishing 'Michaelis' family- well, sort of. You'll see what I mean soon enough. Read on, intrepid readers, read on...

It seemed like they had been running forever. Considering there was no sun in this infernal place much less a sunrise, sunset or anything else to mark the passage of time, it was difficult to really tell with any kind of accuracy, but Ciel felt they must've been running non-stop for at least a week, and in circles to boot. Thrice now, they'd passed the Colosseum where Sebastian claimed the Hellions played their gruesome brand of chess. Ciel knew, because each time they approached the ginormous oval, which appeared to be constructed of some sort of sizzling, sparking, seething red rock, Sebastian would point and pant, "There, Young Master! We can't stop now, but perhaps when Tuesday rolls 'round again we'll take in a tourney?!"

"Idiot! Stop! PUT. ME. DOWN." Ciel would bellow, arms and legs flailing as he tried to punch and kick any part of Sebastian he could reach, which was aggravatingly little, considering he was tucked tight beneath Sebastian's arm and the ridiculous ponce was running so hell-for-leather it was nearly impossible for Ciel to direct his limbs against the wind drag.

He may have accidentally connected a toe to Sebastian's calf at one point, but that was probably just wishful thinking.

His demands were acknowledged only with Sebastian's new catch phrase, "We can't stop now!" And while Ciel had never been particularly fond of "I'm simply one Hell of a butler," he much preferred Sebastian's smug, annoying double entendre to its successor, which sounded like the deranged motivational slogan of a panicked psychotic.

A day, a week, a month, a year, a century . . . could be everyone he knew topside was dust in their graves by now. It certainly _felt_ like they'd been circling this ring off Hell for a Hell of a long time. All Ciel knew for certain was the friction of Sebastian's arm had worn straight through his topcoat, his waistcoat _and_ his fine linen shirt, and was now chafing the skin of Ciel's left flank. It didn't hurt exactly—not yet, but it was mightily annoying. Besides, surely Sebastian's lunatic father and brothers had surely exhausted their rage, grown bored, and given up the chase by now, right? Lucifer knew _Ciel_ was bored, at any rate. It had been at least an aeon or two since he'd last heard Cerberus' growls or Asmodeus' guttural curses. The only thing he could hear now was the rush of wind and the cackling laughter of Hell's denizens, who had taken to lining their path, jeering and hurling insults (and dung) at them as they flew by.

 _Enough_ , Ciel thought angrily. Clenching his fists and gritting his teeth, Ciel did what the half-pint CEO did best: he made an executive decision. Mustering up every last drop of his formidable will, he took a deep, burning breath of sulphur-laden air and bellowed "Sebastian! This is an ORDER: stop running and put me down. NOW!"

The fierce wind stopped howling instantly but Hell continued spinning like a chaotic, vomit-inducing carousel— or at least it seemed that way to Ciel. His feet touched ground and instantly the smouldering earth came rushing up to meet his face a split-second before he realized he'd gone from standing on his own two feet to eating ash and demon dung.

"Baftrrd," he cursed through the gravel, clutching his whirling head with numbed hands as he rolled onto his back and glared up at the five pissed-off Sebastians weaving and swaying above him.

"Fool. Now you've done it!" Sebastian seethed, reaching down to jerk Ciel up off the ground by his topcoat's wind-frayed lapels. "How long do you think you'll last in Hell after my Father feeds me to that damned three-headed dog of his? Oh wait, wait. That's right! Never mind. Forgive me, _My Lord_. For a moment there, I'd completely forgot about my brothers who mean to pass you back and forth between themselves until there's nothing left. Only _then_ will Father serve you up as an appetizer to Cerberus!"

Ciel fought the urge to smack Sebastian's grasping hands from his person, knowing without them he'd topple straight back onto his face again. While he waited to regain his sense of balance, he settled for assaulting his moronic servant with a smug, malicious grin. "They stopped chasing us ages ago you arse-brained moron!"

Rage twisted Sebastian's comely face into a visage that might have caused Ciel to shudder if he wasn't every inch as enraged himself. He opened his mouth to order Sebastian do something really unpleasant to himself before then doing something _even more_ unpleasant to himself, when he was rudely interrupted.

"The scrawny midget is right, it is," something hissed from behind them. "His Highness said sommat about needing a shower and the two princes buggered off to take Cerby back to the palace for a nosh and a kip two revolutions ago. But don't stop now, idiot prince. I made a wager and you haven't reached my number yet."

Ciel pulled out of Sebastian's loosening grip and spun unsteadily on his heel to confront… a pair of … somethings. Two vaguely humanoid things with oblong, scaly heads and huge, bulging eyes were leering down at him.

"Who are you lot calling 'midget,' Lizard Gob? Why don't you go find that rock of yours and crawl back under it?"

"Pissy little squit, innit?" said Lizard-y Thing One.

"It talks tough, but it'll chew soft enough, I'll wager," Lizard-y Thing Two growled. Ciel was getting an inkling Lizard-y Thing Two just might be harbouring a gambling addiction.

"Sid," Sebastian sighed. "For the love of Lucifer, take Nancy and go home. Unless you really fancy the idea of gorging on your own tails again. I see they've finally grown back."

"See? I told you 'e was still an asshole," Lizard Gob Two muttered, shooting Sebastian a withering glare as it grasped hold of the stumpy arm of its partner with a thumb-less, green-skinned hand. "Let's go, Luv. Let him have his stroppy ikkul scrap. His ass will be grass soon enough."

"And then we'll roll it up and smoke it!" Lizard Gob One cackled. It let its partner pull it away into the vast landscape of smouldering rock. Ciel watched them go with relief. Just before he turned his face away Ciel caught sight of a long, thick, blue tongue come shooting out the corner of L.G. One's mouth, and reach all the way up and lick its own eyeball. _Ew_ , Ciel thought, _must be one of Faustus' relatives_.

"What in bloody Hell was that?" Ciel blinked hard, resisting the urge to rub his eyes with his grime-streaked fists as he stared after the pair of bizarre, reptilian-humanoids.

"That? Caterwaulers. They enjoy a certain celebrity for being the loudest things in this Circle, but . . . never mind them! We have to get out of here!"

"Oh no you don't!" Ciel yelled, jumping back out of the reach of Sebastian's sweeping arm. He was so surprised by his own speed and agility he nearly tripped over himself in awe. "No more running, Sebastian. You heard Sid and Nancy: your father got bored watching you chase your own arse and went home. I suggest we do the same. I'm filthy, half-naked and you've destroyed my only set of clothing."

"Home?!" Sebastian barked a curt laugh. "What a perfectly awful idea, My Lord."

"Oh yes? And why is that? No, iet me guess: you're actually a slob, aren't you, Sebastian. Or worse yet, Hell's version of the crazy cat lady," Ciel sneered. "That's it, isn't it? You live in a piss-soaked one-room shack with a hundred and fifty damned cats and a dirt floor littered with old soul wrappers!"

"Yes yes, very funny My Lord. Your wit astounds us all."

"Or is it you're still living in Daddy's basement rec room with no proper job or visible means of support? Do you live in a shabby old travel trailer, Sebastian? With a meth lab for company, down by the Styx?"

"Now is not the time for your delightsome flights of fancy, Young Master," Sebastian's nervous gaze darted over the horizon again. "We need to get you hidden somewhere safe, and I'm afraid my own manor is not the—"

"Manor? _You_ have a manor?" Ciel demanded, his hands fisting as he crossed his arms over his chest. "What a load of bollocks; you do _not_ have a manor. Or if you do, I bet it has all the charm of a slack sphincter. Pfft! You _wish_ you had a manor." The boy turned to see if, perchance, he could still spot Sid and Nancy scampering away through the yellow fume and general gloom.

After a moment's thought he said "Tell me then: is it anything like _my_ manor, Sebastian? Well, _is it?_ " "Well, yes, I suppose it's something like," Sebastian shook his head. "Except it's thrice as big, has a myriad of _competent_ servants… and it's tastefully decorated. No garish renderings of fat, gaudy kings in oil claiming every inch of wall space, for example. Really, My Lord, sometimes less is more."

"Well, grand!" Ciel itched to throttle the arrogant ponce. "Can't wait to see it! Take me there at once!"

"Really, I'm telling you that's not the wisest idea. With respect, sir, I beg you,'" Sebastian said, avoiding Ciel's glare. If the former earl didn't know any better, he'd say his eternal butler looked absolutely sheepish. "You see, my father retains the deed and therefore my wards are useless against him. He doesn't require the standard invitation which prevents acknowledged guests from bursting into flames the moment they set foot on the estate. In fact it's quite possib—"

"Shut up, Sebastian." The boy interrupted. "So is how it's going to be from now on, is it? A continual stream of direct orders necessary to control this daddy-whipped version of my formerly not-this-big-an-idiot demon? How utterly tiresome... I sincerely hoped my eye doesn't wear out."  Ciel unknotted his arms and barked, "This is an ORDER! Take me to your so-called 'manor' right now!" Ciel both heard and felt Sebastian's roar of frustration when his face abruptly smashed into his butler's sulphur-dusted shirtfront as the demon scooped him up again and locked him in a bone-crushing embrace. Once more the wind howled and Ciel experienced a near faint-inducing sense of vertigo as he struggled to free himself.

"Bathturd!" Was Ciel's muffled curse as he hammered his fists against Sebastian's torso and cried out with every ounce of strength he possessed, "Nooo!LemmeGOOOOmph!" Ciel's voice rang out, finishing in a pained grunt as he found himself bouncing on his bum against some sort of hard surface. Wincing against an impact which would have shattered a human spine, the boy was left shocked and gasping for air he didn't really need. But it was the humiliation that galled him more than anything. Sebastian would pay and pay dearly, he resolved, as he gave his spinning head a shake to try and clear it. But just as he got to the point where he thought he could stand again he heard it…

"Well well, so the prodigal son returns," said an ethereal voice so lyrical, so rich and sinfully delicious-sounding it made Sebastian seem like Lizzie at her worst in comparison. "So considerate of you to finally drop by." When Ciel looked up this time there were only four Sebastians, none of them blurred or swaying. They weren't all exactly identical either, but close, very close. A moment later three very familiar sets of crimson eyes were leering down at him as he hid behind the paltry wall of Sebastian's protective stance. He could feel a minute trembling within the square of his butler's shoulders. Ciel found that more than a little unnerving.

 _The Hell with pride,_ he thought, as he scooted his sore arse close enough to Sebastian's backside to grasp a handful of pant-leg and hang on.

It was about now he realised they were no longer out-of-doors, but in a building of some sort. It slowly dawned on the ex-earl as his eyes travelled up, up and up, past the vast twin black crystal chandeliers overhead, to the two iron maidens-mere decorative bumps in the wrought iron chains that looked like they might once have had something like the Campania attached to one end. Up and off into the shadows soaring overhead he could dimly spy carved wooden beams, blackened with age and softened by cauls of ancient, dust-laden cob webbing much too far off for anyone to bother cleaning away. It was then the truth broke like dawn breaching the horizon that this massive space was just the foyer of the 'mansion' Sebastian had mentioned. Ciel realised his butler had actually played down the size of the place.. The foyer alone looked like it could contain the whole of the Phantomhive mansion's west wing, roof, chimneys and all. Suddenly the boy's face was burning with shame. Uncomfortable as he was, it was the 'tasteful décor' that gave Ciel a real turn as he glanced around. The place bore a more than passing resemblance to that creepy courtyard of the Green Witch's which was chock-a-block with ancient instruments of torture. Ciel spotted clubs, morning stars, swords and twisted looking things on long poles mounted all over the walls, free-standing stocks, pillories, prangers and racks, Judas cradles, more iron maidens, and case after case of shrew's fiddles, choke pears, knee splitters, thumb screws, scold's bridles and things he couldn't even begin to guess uses for, never mind the names. They all bore the same disturbing marks of wear and stains of actual use, that raised the hair on the back of the boy's neck.

"Father," Sebastian said respectfully, firmly, belying the quiver Ciel felt in the hard calf beneath his clutching fingers. "Rei. Kain. You all look… well. Please accept my utmost apologies for my unkempt appearance and lack of hospitality. I've only just returned from 'topside,' as I'm sure you know, and have not yet had time to prepare for guests."

"We're not guests. We're family, little brother," said the more heavily muscled Sebastianesque demon standing to the right of the gorgeous, glowering creature, a taller, squarer-jawed, ridiculously flawless version of Ciel's butler with a torrent of heavy, softly waved midnight hair spilling down both shoulders, a creature who radiated so much raw power he could only be Asmodeus himself. "And it would seem you brought us back a present! "Rei continued, "how thoughtful and generous. He seems a bit small, but…" and here Rei took a deep breath, "mmm, absolutely tantalizing."

Ciel felt himself blanch as Sebastian's big brother gave him a sniff followed by a rather suggestive wink and a lecherous grin that turned into a ball of ice and dropped into Ciel's gut with a deadly thud. It was about then the former earl considered that perhaps, just this once, he might have made the wrong executive decision. He started to sweat and clutched his butler's pant-leg tighter.

"Really brother," the lesser, willowy, vaguely feminine Sebastian to Asmodeus' left sighed and shook his pretty head. "He's a little young, even for you Rei, don't you think? Why, he's barely old enough to have felt his first stirrings of desire, much less the hot-blooded lust necessary to feed the likes of us."

"Sebastian! What's he mean, 'the likes of us'? What's wrong with them?!"

"There  is nothing 'wrong' with them, Master, they are incubii, My Lord. They draw their sustainence from... sexual energy rather than souls. I would advise you to keep your distance." This news drove the former earl into a foetal position, wrapped around his butler's heel.

"You always were the lazy one, Kain, preferring to feed off men's cravings for others rather than cultivating their desire for you." Rei puffed out his chest and sneered. "Our brother has brought us an ambitious undertaking. Fortunately, _I_ am up to the task, heh, and I do mean up." Whereon he huffed a sort of 'whough' sound and blew dark auric matter from his nostrils, demonstrating just how keen he was to get on with things.

"We-ell," Kain replied with a slow, languid grin, "I suppose it is Friday…" Speaking of untoward stirrings, Ciel felt quite flushed all over beneath the combined lecherous gazes of Sebastian's perverted family, and he didn't care for the sensation one little bit.

"Sebastian," he huffed as he pulled himself to his feet, "Your idiot brothers seem to have mistaken me for some lascivious damsel from one of those smutty novels Mei Rin is so fond of. Correct their inane assumptions immediately."

Sebastian turned on his heel so fast he nearly knocked Ciel flat again, and now there were four sets of crimson eyes searing him. How interesting that it was only Sebastian who _wasn't_ eyeing him as if he'd like to tear Ciel apart and gorge on his tasty giblets.

"If I told that woman once I must have told her a thousand times: 'Mei Rin, do _not_ to leave those filthy books lying about for the young master to see.' Not that I imagined _for one moment_ you'd actually ever read any of them. Young Master, honestly! "

"Master!? Did he just call that scrumptious little tart just—" Rei began.

"Sebastian, eh? I had a client named Sebastian once," Kain started. "He was so depraved, I simply couldn't begin to…"

"…appalled that you would ever stoop so low as to…"

"… very smooth, though, but with knotty veins like ropes all over…" They were all talking at once, their rich, silken voices combining to effect a host of curious, alarming sensations within Ciel, seemingly dissolving his bones into so much wobbly gelatine. He felt certain he'd be a puddle of mindless goo within moments. Squeezing his eyes shut, he instinctively clapped his hands over his ears and took a huge breath with which to scream bloody murder. "Enough!" Asmodeus's command cut throughout the vast room, shaking loose a fine sifting of soot from somewhere overhead and effectively silencing his sons. Ciel opened his eyes to see Rei and Kain shrinking back behind a growing shroud of writhing, crackling darkness emanating from their father. Sebastian turned to face the Lord of the Realm, shoving Ciel behind the iffy protection of his back once more.

"You!" Asmodeus thundered, writhing curls of dark aether shooting from his nostrils with every impassioned snort. Ciel peered out from beneath Sebastian's arm and saw the God of Lust shimmering, morphing, expanding, his magnificent beauty swiftly mutating into something so gob-smackingly grotesque even his Hell-born sons had to look away. "You have always insisted on defying me! That you, the strongest and most beautiful of my sons, would choose to serve Vengeance over Lust was affront aplenty, but now you've gone and made me the laughing stock of Hell by getting yourself eternally indentured to that… that…" He gestured wildly at Ciel with at least six arms, only one of which sported anything like a human hand (with a long, spiked blue-green tail sprouting out of the wrist.) "But even that was not enough for you, was it? No! No. You just had to add personal insult to injury by raining down a steaming load of toxic excrement on my head! I'll have you know it took the blood of six virgins just to neutralize the acid, and the blood of another dozen to heal my burns! Seventeen!"

"Eighteen, Father."

"Eighteen!"Asmodeus instantly amended.

"He always was shite at maths…"

"D'you hear me you worthless…" another snort. Aether and fire this time. "Eighteen forever uncorrupted virgins lost to us, all because I was fool enough to dally with Lilith and sire a spoiled rotten brat! Well, guess what, Sonny Boy? I'm long overdue for teaching you some discipline, but better late than never! A century or two over my knee ought to do for a start!" Asmodeus now sported three heads to go with his six-plus arms, one of which heads was breathing fire. His body had become a gigantic nausea-inducing amalgam of animalistic horrors, in which the heads and arms were sprouting up out of something vaguely resembling a lion sporting dragon-esque bat wings and a quiver full of pissed-off vipers for a tail. His rage was so palpable Ciel felt the fine hair on his arms singeing. Only one thought kept the little earl on his feet and that was the possibility of seeing his smug, arrogant butler get a bare-arsed hiding over his demonic daddy's knees.

While the thought of seeing Sebastian humiliated was beyond delightful, Ciel had the sinking suspicion Daddy Dearest intended first to liberate the wayward fruit of his loins from the shackles of their eternal contract before he bared his boy's beauteous backside. This was bad. Very, very bad indeed. _Think, Ciel, think! Bare bottomed butle—NO, damn it, Focus! How in Hell are we getting out of **this** one?_

"Now," Asmodeus boomed, "hand over that abomination clinging to your ankle and let us begin!"

With that, Ciel climbed his quaking butler like a tree, wrapped his arms around his neck in an iron choke hold and screamed in Sebastian's ear: "Reaper realm! that's an ORDER! Take us to the Reaper's realm now, _now_ , _**right NOW!"**_


End file.
